The Little Things

Sometimes in life we receive the greatest surprises. For example, meeting someone when we had completely given up on the thought. Not just meeting anyone, no he's not just anybody, he's everything. I know it sounds Juvenile or silly, but he kisses me on the forehead, tells me I'm beautiful like that's just part of my name, loves my kids, makes an effort to be a BIG part of my life, I honestly couldn't ask for anyone better. I've been through so much in the past few years, heck my entire adult life and I deserve this, do I ever deserve this man, and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for him! I control my own happiness but he makes it so much easier with how happy he makes me. This life is beautiful! Xoxo ❤️❤️😚😚

911 Where is Your Emergency

911 where is your emergency? This is a common phrase I use many times in one shift. From that point a call begins, a call that I am invested in from beginning to end. Some of these calls aren’t true emergency’s, but I would rather someone call and it not be, than for someone to not call at all and it truly be. Some of these calls I will never as long as I live forget. As much as it stuck with my caller, it also stuck with me to a point that on some, I know every detail from name, address, date, time, and exactly what occurred. Now multiply that by many years of doing this job. Does my job sound so easy now? Do I just answer the phone? Do I just tell people where to go? I know how frightening it can be to call 911. I have been on both sides of the phone. In January of 1998 my father had a heart attack and died in front of me. I was 18, he was 45. I called 911, gave what information I could, advised her that I was CPR certified, began CPR, and handed my mother the phone. I did CPR on my dad for almost 15 minutes before response arrived. Those 15 minutes seemed like an eternity, because as I was doing chest compression's, giving breaths, checking for a pulse, my whole life, every memory with my dad was going through my head. How would life go on if he wasn’t there? The two guys who worked my dad’s call stood beside us the whole time at the hospital. One couldn’t have been much older than me. I would love to speak to him today, he stood beside me and I had no clue who he was nor did he know me. See that’s what happens when your heart is in your job. I’ve been blessed to work with MANY like that! When you have to call 911 it’s not typically for a hurt toe, so know that I understand the importance of your call. I have many people who get upset because I have so many questions that I have to ask or I will repeat questions a few times. Please, just know that I have many reasons for this. If you are upset, frantic, etc and you call 911 sometimes you are not exactly thinking clearly. Therefore, I will ask questions over, and over to make sure that the information that I have is correct, because I want to get help to you just as much as you want me to get it to you. There are questions I HAVE to ask, but know that while I am asking these things my partner is getting help to you! We work as a team, or at least we try hard to, unfortunately it doesn’t always pan out that way for us. The information I ask you for may seem irrelevant, but I have many reasons for asking it. See those people that respond to you whether it be Fire/Rescue, EMS, or Law Enforcement, those people are my family! Maybe not my blood family, but not all family is blood. It is MY responsibility to get all the information I can to ensure their safety as well as yours. For example, you call in on 911 because someone is trying to break into your residence. There are specific questions I am going to ask, one being do you have a firearm. I’ve had people get mad at me for asking that question, but if my officer goes on scene and has no idea who you are and you have a firearm, this could mean a life or death situation for both of you. If you have a firearm and I tell you to stay on the phone with me, please don’t hang up, it’s for your safety as well as theirs. But see here is the other thing, come Christmas or some other holiday I don’t want to have to look at that response unit’s family or your family experiencing their first holiday without you or their loved one simply because I didn’t go above and beyond for both of you. Like I said, I know something bad is normally happening when you call 911, but don’t resist giving me any information (unless you really can’t). I am asking in the effort to ensure the best possible outcome for everyone. When I am on a shift my responsibilities lie with the public, my officers, my medics, and my fire/rescue personnel. That’s a lot of people to be responsible for. So if you could please be as understanding as humanly possible at that time. I am used to being cussed and called names, heck I’ve been married haha two times, I can handle it. Cuss me not my people. Get it out while I have you on the phone, but when my people get there please treat them with the utmost respect, they are risking their lives to save yours! I know it’s hard to see Officers, Medics, Fire/Rescue, and Dispatchers as humans, but guess what we feel just like you do, we put our clothes on just like you do, but unfortunately our mistakes, our bad days are thrown out to the media constantly. For every bad apple there are 200 good ones (don’t count on my math, it wasn’t my strongest subject, lol). It’s so heartbreaking to see people dying or being criticized because they wear a badge, they are in a uniform that fights for our freedom, they put the flames out on our burning houses, they pull people out of crumpled up vehicles, they transport you in the fastest time possible when the situation arises, they are the voice on the other end of your tragic situation. We are all human regardless, we hurt, we hurt for you, for your family, for your friends when something bad happens. With that said, before you do something detrimental, think long and hard about OUR family.

Lies

Lies, we all tell them at some point in our lives or another. One lie can be just as bad as another. Can you guess what the biggest lie is? A smile. A lot of people will stop and ask themselves how that is a lie. A smile infers happiness, hardly ever does someone associate it as unhappiness. A smile can hide a million things that no one would ever suspect. It tends to be the people who smile the most, encourage people, etc who are the saddest. They do these things not because they feel like it but because they know how it feels to be in their spot. Trying to talk to others about how you feel can be difficult. You constantly hear things such as "you should feel blessed with all that you have", "I'll be here for you", "you aren't alone", "you need to be very positive, it can't be that bad". You open yourself to others when you discuss the negative parts of your life because people love to hear the bad stuff. It makes for better gossip.

Reality

Life has a way of letting us know what's realistic and what's not. When they say if it's too good to be true it most likely is...I can't even begin to tell you how true this saying is. If you ever thought that there could be an exception to this rule then just wait for the bi$@& slap reality is getting ready to give you! there are people destined for happiness and there are people who are destined to be an example of everything in life that sucks so be thankful it's not you. People who say we control our own happiness has never spent long amounts of time alone, unloved, etc. I'm hilarious and the conversations that run through my head are pretty darn funny but after so long it's no where near the same.

?

Since I started this blog so many things have happened in my life. It's been full of ups and a lot of downs. I wish I knew where the girl was that started this blog! I look back through posts on here and posts on facebook and I have no idea where that version of me is. How can someone change so much in such a short amount of time? I used to be so happy,bubbly,cheerful, etc. Now I am bitter, sad, alone, miserable, I honestly don't know how else to put it. People who say life is what you make of it has obviously never been done really really wrong. How are you supposed to make the best out of a really crappy situation? This isn't a pity party it's simply the truth...I mean nothing to no one. Well maybe my kids and my mom. My oldest son doesn't even come to see me any more, the other three could honestly care less and I know they "love" me, same with my mom. Someone pointed out to me a week or so ago after I made a statement that basically my life seemed sad. I made the statement that I went to another cell phone provider because my phone didn't work inside where I work. Basically that's the only time anyone really needs to be able to get a hold of me. Outside of work I really don't ever talk to anyone. I dont date, all of my friends are married and have families, and when I don't have my kids I never go anywhere. I sit at the house alone. I really haven't even made an effort to "get back out there". I am lonely but I don't know that I could handle getting hurt again. Wow, that is pretty sad. This is what my life has become. I am a 36 yr old single, mother of 4, who is lonely, alone, and apparently unlovabl..... Oh well thank God I have chocolate to help me get through, and butter so I can grease my a$$ up to get through the doorway when I emotionally eat! Lol

There are some things in life that I will simply never understand. I was always raised to treat people the way that I wanted to be treated and for the most part I have always done that. I may have failed a time or two on this but I have really tried. I don't understand why the people who have meant the world to me have never treated me like that. I apparently never meant much to anyone. That's extremely hard to say but sometimes in life we have moments of clarity. And in that moment we know exactly where we stand. I don't understand why I have had to go through what I have. I have been hurt far beyond what anyone could ever understand. But no matter what has happened I don't ever hurt them for pay back. There are many times that I sit in my room and just cry. My heart physically feels like it is breaking. Sometimes I cry so much that I can't catch my breath. I am so tired of feeling this way. I have never been truly, unconditionally loved and that breaks my heart.

We have finally came to the end

Sometimes I think that our lives are divided in a book that has already been written by chapters. Every time we close one chapter we begin a new one. I normally don't have any issues closing those chapters but for the past year and a half I have had what feels like two chapters going at the same time. First, you have Stanton. I loved that man with all of my heart and soul. The thought of going on without him literally killed me. But, I have learned in the past that you can't force someone to stay. I guess I had always hoped that something would work and we would find our way back to one another. But, it just wasn't meant to happen like that. Even if Ian never existed this is where we would be. Time to close this chapter. Theres not any reason to leave it open. Ian came along at a point where I feel like I really needed someone. Whether it was for self assurance or to remind myself myself that there are more people out there. I can honestly say that I wish I would have never met him. I am apparently incredibly naive. I gave trust where trust wasn't truly deserved. I gave the better parts of me to someone who used me and then left. I can't help but look at that situation and feel utterly stupid. Before Christmas I had reconnected with him. Some incidents happened and we didn't speak. In February he reached out to me and like a ding dong I went for it. He was telling how he missed me and that he was tired of pretending that he was happy everyday when he wasn't. We lost touch again and I basically blocked him in every way that I could. He was sent here to work so he tried to get in contact with me. Finally I broke down and talked to him. One night I went and found a pic of the baby that I lost with him and took it to him. I thought he deserved it and then he had something to look at to remind him. He began talking about wanting to move down here...I knew it wouldn't happen. I think that was something he said in an effort to pacify me. During this entire time he had a girlfriend. Knowing him and how he lacks the ability to tell the truth I screen shot all of our conversations. So the day came when they broke up. I had messaged him on facebook and it came back that his location was a town where another one of his victims(ex-girlfriends) lived. I talked to the most recent ex. I did really well until a point where she said he got mad when she didn't get pregnant. He had also told her that he and I had never dated....uh really? I told her about him trying to message me the first time. I was honestly trying to spare her feelings but then I got a message from her and it was a screen shot between him and her where he says he doesn't want me and calls me a few bad names. This both hurt me and pissed me off. I sent her all of the shots of our conversations. I'm not gonna sit back while someone lies about me. I am over it, I am done. We have now said our goodbyes and we are going our separate ways. This is where those two chapters end. It's time that my life moves on and quits sitting still. At this point even though I have been single for quite some time I do not want a relationship with anyone. I don't even want to go out on dates. I am perfectly content being at home alone or at home with my kids. It's time for me to put my life back together and try to be happy. I have NO intentions of having any more children and I also have NO intentions of ever getting re-married. I don't need aman to survive I got this. I have started off on the right foot by getting a job. I am so excited to be going back to work. That's a major step for me. I have no idea what life has in store for me but I look forward to my new journey. I have to say that I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I guess I never thought about how much other people's actions have weighed on me. Time to quit crying and move on.