Funny Realizations Life's Little Moments Present

Early this week I had someone say something to me that made me incredibly mad. However it also made me realize something as strange as that sounds. It made me realize that people can say whatever they want about you however that does not necassarily make it true. You have the ability to control what you think of yourself. If you look at yourself as a failure then guess what your gonna be a failure because you don't expect more of yourself. I have had some serious issues over the past year that have made me look at myself in a different way. I felt myself going back to a place that I did not ever want to go back to! I don't want to be that sad person, that person who can't put the past in the past, etc so for all of that I am getting rid of the negative in my life. I am worth someone's love just as much as the next person. If someone doesn't feel as if I am worthy well they know where the door is. If someone doesn't feel like I am good enough well there again I can draw them a map of the door and how to get there. But alot of times I believe that some of these are thoughts I put in my own head by making more out of a statement, or picture than there really is. Who knows?? All I know is I am a good person, I love with all of my heart, unfortunately I have began to wear my heart on my sleeve much like my wonderful brother who has a big heart like no one I have ever seen, I try to give as much as I can possibly give, I try hard to be a good person that my mother would be proud of however sometimes I fall short! I try hard to see the best in people because even the best people fail sometimes! I have some of the best friends (some I never would have thought I would call friends...you know who you are!), the best family ( not only my incredible family but my husband's as well), amazing kids, and a good husband that maybe sometimes I give a harder time than he deserves and sometimes I am making up for other times that I didn't necassarily give him a hard time when I needed to...lol. We have been through many ups and downs in the past year but the fact of the matter is I love that man with all of my heart and when given a chance to make it work I will every time! Life has thrown me many curve balls and instead of standing with my feet planted on the ground and catching them head on I act like a girl and close my eyes and let it get the better of me. I have seriously got some changing to do not for anyone but myself. I chased that rabbit to get to this point. Last night I watched my daughter and my step daughter talk about boys with a smile on their face and a glow about them. Oblivious to the tears that they will shed before they meet their handsome prince, the heartache they will feel, the many boyfriends they will have, the feeling of being on cloud 9, etc. It made me realize just how innocent children really are and how life would be so much better if we had never known pain that most kids have no idea exists. If life were like that we could love with no worries, whole heartedly, with no fears of getting hurt, and make the most out of each and every day. I know an innocent crush is a wierd way of coming to this realization however seeing them last night has made me remember days like that being giddy and excited about a boy. The real realization is I should be giddy and excited like that everyday because I have the most amazing gifts God has ever given me...my life and everyone in it!

A Memory

As I went today to have an MRI done I was so nervous. I waited in the waiting area and finally this older gentleman came and got me. As we were walking through the halls we passed it...the ultrasound room and in that moment I went back to 2003. In 2003 Allen and I decided that we wanted to have another baby. At that time we had Dawson and Abbey. It seemed to happen so fast. On Father's Day I just knew that I was pregnant. I kept quiet and I ran out and bought a pregnancy test. Oh man it came up positive. I hollered for Allen to come in because he was outside mowing the yard. He came in and said what's up. I showed him the test and his face lit up just like mine already was. He smiled and hugged me and started crying. He was so excited. The first doctor's appointment we went to we got to hear it the best sound ever...a baby's heartbeat. We couldn't wait for everyone to find out we were having another baby. In August as usual I was sick. I just assumed it was my normal routine of morning sickness until one day it absolutely hurt everytime I took a breath. Oh man it hurt bad. I was getting sick everytime I ate so I called the doctor. They scheduled for me to come in for an ultrasound of my gall bladder. Sure enough I had gall stones. They told me not to go to far that a surgeon would be calling me. All I could think was surgery while I am pregnant...no way!! The surgeon called and said it was imperative for us to come in right then. So we went straight over. He sat me down and said listen I have talked to your OB doctor and we are both in agreement that you need emergency surgery. Of course my first question was what is the risk to the baby. He said you have a gall stone stuck in your gall bladder duct and you are putting more stress and hurt on the baby leaving it in there than having it removed. Of course after he said that I said okay what could it hurt. So they admitted me and scheduled to have surgery the first thing the next morning. So the next morning came and I waited all day they had some emergency cases come up that were higher priority than mine. They finally took me back it was time. I was scared to death. Once they got me back they explained that they were barely going to sedate me and that they weren't going to do it until they were ready to make their first incision. I was thinking oh man they are going to cut me while I am awake. They took me back and I was back there for what seemed like forever. I came out and everyone looked relieved. Allen told me that I had been back there for a few hours for a procedure that was supposed to last at the most an hour. The next morning I woke up and it hurt to move. Everybody came by but I had a feeling that something wasn't right. I had the nurse come in and explained to her that I wanted an ultrasound to check on the baby. They called my OB doctor and of course he said yes go ahead and do it and make her feel at ease. So me, Allen, and my mom went downstairs to the ultrasound room. I waited out in the hall in a wheel chair waiting. Finally it was my turn I was going to be relieved because I was going to get to see our baby. As soon as he started I looked at the monitor and I knew something was wrong. I looked at him and he said wait just a minute I will be back. He went and got the doctor. The doctor had a worried look on his face. I knew my baby was gone. A baby that had been there a week or two before was no longer there. No more heartbeat, no more peanut shaped baby, no anything. The doctor explained that he didn't know what could have happened. So in one week I had my gall bladder removed and a D and C to remove the remains of what once was a baby. My heart was absolutely broken! I didn't understand how or why it happened to me. As I passed by that room today that whole memory came flooding back. My eyes swelled up with tears and I tried to hold it back. The harder I tried the more I choked. As I left the hospital I sat in my car and cried for a few minutes and then as I drove down the road. I got home and went and got the baby and as I looked at him and thought about that day all I could do was cry. Miscarriages are hard no matter how far along you are. I have lost 5 babies at different stages of the pregnancy and one is just as hard as the other. Memories come flooding back and the tears begin to flow. Even though I never got to officially meet any of them I loved all of them! I am not depressed this is therapy for me. It helps to be able to discuss it.